illusion ... i am a master, it turns out om really good at making people think i am ok and life is good, can people not see inside im dying... that given half a chance... ... ...
but wait we wont go there, the honest truth is that no matter how bad life gets or how depressed i feel there is something in my being that will not let me go there (although standing on the edge of the cliff over last weekend was a huge temptation to jump, not that i would die but the pain would have maybe reminded me that i was alive)
And even though, as most people, i see death as a huge adventure i still see life as an even bigger adventure that i have yet to live,
to live... that is the point is it not... i have not felt alive in a while.
and maybe that is where the problem has its source, the never ending need to feel alive, the god thought in all this is that even though i have been quite down lately i have not felt the need to smoke (which is normally one of my ways to vent) however my other release valve is still open...
i do get a bit worried when i wake up and there is a small thought jogging in the back of my mind reminding me that there is a cold beer in the fridge or a half full bottle of vodka on the counter... but i have not gone there yet...
so this is me just putting things out there, have to run, this is not in any way finished and there is a lot more to be said and to be done. just going to keep my self going, slow and steady i think they say... whoever they are....
bless you for taking the time to read this, enjoy your day
-T-
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