I am the king of illusion

illusion ... i am a master, it turns out om really good at making people think i am ok and life is good, can people not see inside im dying... that given half a chance... ... ...

but wait we wont go there, the honest truth is that no matter how bad life gets or how depressed i feel there is something in my being that will not let me go there (although standing on the edge of the cliff over last weekend was a huge temptation to jump, not that i would die but the pain would have maybe reminded me that i was alive)
And even though, as most people, i see death as a huge adventure i still see life as an even bigger adventure that i have yet to live,
to live... that is the point is it not... i have not felt alive in a while.
and maybe that is where the problem has its source, the never ending need to feel alive, the god thought in all this is that even though i have been quite down lately i have not felt the need to smoke (which is normally one of my ways to vent) however my other release valve is still open...
i do get a bit worried when i wake up and there is a small thought jogging in the back of my mind reminding me that there is a cold beer in the fridge or a half full bottle of vodka on the counter... but i have not gone there yet...

so this is me just putting things out there, have to run, this is not in any way finished and there is a lot more to be said and to be done. just going to keep my self going, slow and steady i think they say... whoever they are....

bless you for taking the time to read this, enjoy your day
-T-

Random Ramblings (in the beginning)

Ok so i have not updated this in a while but there have been quite a few times that i have had some good ideas and wanted to sit down a write them out but for some reason i would always find something else to take up my time (right now most of that time is taken up with online poker)

so there are so many topics running through my head right now it is crazy, i have no clue where to begin to tell you where my life is right now (mainly as i dont think i even know)
so we will start with the basics, yes i am still single... which brings me to my first topic...
my mind boggles: how, when i see guys who (and most of you know this part of my soap box) treat women, really nice women who deserve the best, they treat them like sh!te and make them do all the work (cooking, cleaning etc etc) while they, and excuse the stereo type here, sit around drinking 'beer' and watching tv. and yet a guy like me who believes in respecting a woman and who can do (and does) jobs like cooking, cleaning, ironing heck i even put the toilet seat down... yet i still find myself here...
i have just been invited by a friend i have not seen or spoken to in a long time, she has just invited me to be her friend on Facebook (Hi Kris), and one of the first things i see on her profile is a group called 'all my friends are getting married, Im getting drunk'... i just had to join...

Facebook has been a huge blessing in my life and i have found that using it had put me in contact with a lot of people i would not otherwise be able to talk to but i miss the old Facebook (even before the physical change to the new layout we use today) i miss the Facebook where all you could do is communicate and post pics and the most craziest thing you could do is 'poke' someone, before all these Apps and Add on's etc etc when it was just all about the communication of friends and not 'super poke this' and 'accept app that' call me boring but i miss only having the basic options to talk to my friends

ok so my last little bit of this ramble will have to be about my Birthday because i have to wrap this up as i have seen the time and have to get stuff ready for tomorrow. most of you will have known that my birthday has just passed and yes i am now one step away from the big 3 - 0... can you friggin believe it and yet there are days i still feel like im just a big kid (ok this might help explain ramble topic 1 of me being single... he he) so ya my birthday came and went and as always i have been fighting the birthday blues, this one might last a little bit longer than the normal ones of only a few days, as there is a lot in my life stressing me out (mainly business) but also above topics. i need to get my head strait because if i keep on going like this i might end up somewhere i dont want to be...

aghhh why does life have to be so complicated, oh well i guess it would make life boring if it all went smooth and there were not all these bends in the road to make this journey of life bob and weave around.

ok have to go, will make time to write more next week with propper topics and not just random ramblings (i might even find time to do a spell check, ha ha)

keep safe
(",)

Something to think about

During this holiday season here is something to think about, it is a conversation taken from a TV series called Cheers, and i think it is a great Theory to promoting Intelligence...

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

so take this advise and take every opportunity to get smarter this festive season
but please...
Enjoy responsibly
Thomas

Music Lyrics

Im sure it has happened to you,
one day you are listening to a song you have listened to a hundred times and then one day that one line jumps out and smacks you right where it hurts the most,

this happened to me the other night listening to 'walk away by Ben Harper'
there is a line that just struck home for me

"They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays."

the reason i think this has hit home a bit more is because in the last few days the old birthday thoughts have been looming in the back of my mind, now i know my birthday is not for a month and a bit but the thoughts have started to circle my mind like the vultures you see in those really cheesy desert scenes.

and the thoughts now of all the tomorrows i have let turn into yesterdays in my life its hard to look back at all the choices i have let pass and 'played safe'. i guess this now sparks a new challenge in my life, to learn from my Yesterdays and plan better for my tomorrows.

one of my most beautiful and treasured friends Heather Forbes, has a new years plan to do one thing amasing and out of the ordinary each month and i think this is something that i plan to adapt into my life next year.

the other half of the challenge (and this for me will be the harder part) is to let go and well... Walk Away as the song says. there have been times that i have been so focused on the one thing i want in my life the most, that every time there was even the slightest chance of that one thing happening i would almost fool myself into believing that this was that which i longed for. im really good at it too... i can take almost any situation into my mind and within moments it has been folded and turned and tossed around my big head so many times even i cant remember how it started.

it is this amasing power that i intend to take control of and to take on the future not as i have been but as a new creation
so with this i hope to find a new outlook on life, one that does not find me next year one step from 30, single and just working but hopefully in a place where i might be a stone throw from the big three-0 but still living, enjoying life and yes maybe even running my own business - (the dream is still alive)

Walk Away - Ben Harper
lyrics

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

the countdown has begun...

and so we stand with only 3 days left working at Cubana, then a weekend to prepare for my new job on Monday.

although the last few nights have not gone without a few adventures...
the start of was Saturday night (well more like Sunday morning) it started off at work at midnight when we surprised my college with cake and champagne as it was now officially his birthday. the rest of the night was spent chilling out at work with a few glasses of champagne and followed by a few more drinks as the boss had gone home and the night had been quiet thanks to the wind and rain outside.

after work we were all still in a birthday party mood so we headed off to Monte Casino (just down the road with a 24 hour bar...)
after a drink or two we decided to head into the casino to look around. we bumped into a few other staff from work and ended up in the middle of the slot machines talking and drinking tequila. whilst sitting there i looked at the random slot machine next to me and decided to have a go, now i have never played on a slot machine before and even though i had a small idea of what i was doing i fumbled around pushing lit up buttons until the next time i looked i was up to R75... bonus i cashed out a bought a round of tequilas.

Jacques and Roanne at this point (which may i point out was 6:15am decided they were in the mood for breakfast and headed off to find food, i hung around a bit with the others to finish off my beer and than at about 6:30 we headed out as well. I dropped them off on my way home and squinting into the sun over the horizon made my was home.

now Sunday night is another story, a story that will continue tonight...

on the whole it was a good night (well morning) but i do look forward to getting into normal working hours with my new job...

Insomnia

for those of you who have watched 'Fight Club' an amazing movie written by Chuck Palahniuk (novel) but the screen play was written by Jim Uhls, a little bit of useless information for you... but i digress, if you have seen the move you would know there is a point in the movie where Edward Nortons character is talking about insomnia and he said
" When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake."

this is so true, lying in bed last night at 5am after trying for the last 2 hours to fall asleep this scene from fight club was rolling through my mind (if i had the energy i would have put the movie on in hopes that while watching it i would have passed out) however i settled for turning on my mac and loading up itunes. the irony is that i set it to random and what was the 3rd song to play but insomnia by faithless... i had to laugh.

i fear that whilst in this limbo of not quite finished working at Cubana and the anticipation of this next chapter of my life my mind is going crazy and a good nights sleep is looking to be a dream...

Lazy Sunday

when my alarm went off at 10am all i could think was 'please just 5 more minutes' but i knew i had to get up, even though i had only fallen into bed at 6am from a long Saturday night at work. I had an appointment to keep.
An old friend who i have not had the pleasure of spending time with in about 7months because he had been off in the UK playing cricket was going to meet me at 10:30 at my church and then we were going for lunch.

the friend is Ryan Brewer and we have known each other for about 12 years but only in the last couple of years have we gone from knowing each other to good friends and there was no way (even with the lack of sleep) i was going to miss this chance to hang out.

I crawled out of bed, freshened up and i was off, the plan was to catch the 10:30 service at Godfirst church, a church i have come to call home in the last year. I was half way there when my phone rang, it was Ryan asking where to park, so i gave him the low down and told him i would be there in 5 min.

when i arrived at Ferndale High School (where the church meets) i could see why he had called as the place was packed and i remembered that this sunday there was a guest speaker Terry Vergo from overseas and the parking was crazy. I managed to squeese my Hyundi Getz into a spot and steped out into the south african sun which at 10:30 was already shinning at about 21'C (for those in amarica its about 70'F). Exited to see my friend i headed up into the school, it was good to see him even though he was sporting an england cricket shirt he he he.
We did a quick round of introductions and we went into the service to find a spot, luckly we found a seat next to my brother and his wife (its still a little hard for me to imagine him married, but i guess miracles do happen)

the service was good, even though i was fighting to stay awake not from being bored but from lack of sleep... although i was also a little distracted as there is this girl (but that is another story)

after the service we headed out to lunch, sitting outside the spur at the randburg waterfront, the cool breeze on my back we were already deep into conversation and catching up on old times, new times and plans for the future.
after ordering our food i pulled out some Al Capone cigars which i had won a few months back and had held onto for just such a time as this. we sat in the warmth of the south african sun and puffed on our cognac dipped cigars, it was good to spend time with my friend again.

unfortunately our time had to end as i had to head off to work, so we parted ways and i headed home to shower, change and head off to work (something i look forward to not doing on a sunday once i start my new job)

work was chilled and boring, i spent most of my time reading the paper. Ryan popped in to confirm a booking for his school reunion thing but that was about the most exiting thing to happen.

I got home at about 1am, spent a little time online chatting with another good friend who is on a journey of his own (check it out at http://whereintheworldismojo.blogspot.com/) , my internet failed and we lost contact so i saw it as a sign to get some sleep. i rolled over, closed my eyes and ended my lazy sunday