illusion ... i am a master, it turns out om really good at making people think i am ok and life is good, can people not see inside im dying... that given half a chance... ... ...
but wait we wont go there, the honest truth is that no matter how bad life gets or how depressed i feel there is something in my being that will not let me go there (although standing on the edge of the cliff over last weekend was a huge temptation to jump, not that i would die but the pain would have maybe reminded me that i was alive)
And even though, as most people, i see death as a huge adventure i still see life as an even bigger adventure that i have yet to live,
to live... that is the point is it not... i have not felt alive in a while.
and maybe that is where the problem has its source, the never ending need to feel alive, the god thought in all this is that even though i have been quite down lately i have not felt the need to smoke (which is normally one of my ways to vent) however my other release valve is still open...
i do get a bit worried when i wake up and there is a small thought jogging in the back of my mind reminding me that there is a cold beer in the fridge or a half full bottle of vodka on the counter... but i have not gone there yet...
so this is me just putting things out there, have to run, this is not in any way finished and there is a lot more to be said and to be done. just going to keep my self going, slow and steady i think they say... whoever they are....
bless you for taking the time to read this, enjoy your day
-T-
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Random Ramblings (in the beginning)
Ok so i have not updated this in a while but there have been quite a few times that i have had some good ideas and wanted to sit down a write them out but for some reason i would always find something else to take up my time (right now most of that time is taken up with online poker)
so there are so many topics running through my head right now it is crazy, i have no clue where to begin to tell you where my life is right now (mainly as i dont think i even know)
so we will start with the basics, yes i am still single... which brings me to my first topic...
my mind boggles: how, when i see guys who (and most of you know this part of my soap box) treat women, really nice women who deserve the best, they treat them like sh!te and make them do all the work (cooking, cleaning etc etc) while they, and excuse the stereo type here, sit around drinking 'beer' and watching tv. and yet a guy like me who believes in respecting a woman and who can do (and does) jobs like cooking, cleaning, ironing heck i even put the toilet seat down... yet i still find myself here...
i have just been invited by a friend i have not seen or spoken to in a long time, she has just invited me to be her friend on Facebook (Hi Kris), and one of the first things i see on her profile is a group called 'all my friends are getting married, Im getting drunk'... i just had to join...
Facebook has been a huge blessing in my life and i have found that using it had put me in contact with a lot of people i would not otherwise be able to talk to but i miss the old Facebook (even before the physical change to the new layout we use today) i miss the Facebook where all you could do is communicate and post pics and the most craziest thing you could do is 'poke' someone, before all these Apps and Add on's etc etc when it was just all about the communication of friends and not 'super poke this' and 'accept app that' call me boring but i miss only having the basic options to talk to my friends
ok so my last little bit of this ramble will have to be about my Birthday because i have to wrap this up as i have seen the time and have to get stuff ready for tomorrow. most of you will have known that my birthday has just passed and yes i am now one step away from the big 3 - 0... can you friggin believe it and yet there are days i still feel like im just a big kid (ok this might help explain ramble topic 1 of me being single... he he) so ya my birthday came and went and as always i have been fighting the birthday blues, this one might last a little bit longer than the normal ones of only a few days, as there is a lot in my life stressing me out (mainly business) but also above topics. i need to get my head strait because if i keep on going like this i might end up somewhere i dont want to be...
aghhh why does life have to be so complicated, oh well i guess it would make life boring if it all went smooth and there were not all these bends in the road to make this journey of life bob and weave around.
ok have to go, will make time to write more next week with propper topics and not just random ramblings (i might even find time to do a spell check, ha ha)
keep safe
(",)
so there are so many topics running through my head right now it is crazy, i have no clue where to begin to tell you where my life is right now (mainly as i dont think i even know)
so we will start with the basics, yes i am still single... which brings me to my first topic...
my mind boggles: how, when i see guys who (and most of you know this part of my soap box) treat women, really nice women who deserve the best, they treat them like sh!te and make them do all the work (cooking, cleaning etc etc) while they, and excuse the stereo type here, sit around drinking 'beer' and watching tv. and yet a guy like me who believes in respecting a woman and who can do (and does) jobs like cooking, cleaning, ironing heck i even put the toilet seat down... yet i still find myself here...
i have just been invited by a friend i have not seen or spoken to in a long time, she has just invited me to be her friend on Facebook (Hi Kris), and one of the first things i see on her profile is a group called 'all my friends are getting married, Im getting drunk'... i just had to join...
Facebook has been a huge blessing in my life and i have found that using it had put me in contact with a lot of people i would not otherwise be able to talk to but i miss the old Facebook (even before the physical change to the new layout we use today) i miss the Facebook where all you could do is communicate and post pics and the most craziest thing you could do is 'poke' someone, before all these Apps and Add on's etc etc when it was just all about the communication of friends and not 'super poke this' and 'accept app that' call me boring but i miss only having the basic options to talk to my friends
ok so my last little bit of this ramble will have to be about my Birthday because i have to wrap this up as i have seen the time and have to get stuff ready for tomorrow. most of you will have known that my birthday has just passed and yes i am now one step away from the big 3 - 0... can you friggin believe it and yet there are days i still feel like im just a big kid (ok this might help explain ramble topic 1 of me being single... he he) so ya my birthday came and went and as always i have been fighting the birthday blues, this one might last a little bit longer than the normal ones of only a few days, as there is a lot in my life stressing me out (mainly business) but also above topics. i need to get my head strait because if i keep on going like this i might end up somewhere i dont want to be...
aghhh why does life have to be so complicated, oh well i guess it would make life boring if it all went smooth and there were not all these bends in the road to make this journey of life bob and weave around.
ok have to go, will make time to write more next week with propper topics and not just random ramblings (i might even find time to do a spell check, ha ha)
keep safe
(",)
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